In case anyone thought “wow, Morgen really has it all together,” I wanted to assure you that is not the current situation in my life. These are my two cats, Marvin and Penny. 95% of the time, they are BEST friends. Sometimes they tussle with each other, but mostly they’re pals.

Today, something went wrong. I have my suspicions that Marvin startled Penny in the cat box, but I can’t be sure. All I know is that a level of howling and hissing and wailing occurred that I have never heard before from either of them while my mom and I were in the other room.

From then on, they were full-on freaking out. Penny would hiss and growl every time Marvin came out from under the bed, or tried to walk down the hall. It was a disaster. My mom and I were both worried she was sick or in pain. We kept trying to wait it out, but when I’d get her calmed down all it took was to see Marvin walking her way and she’d lose it again. We tried to pick her up (which she doesn’t like on a good day but was letting me do it some today) when she flipped out and she promptly peed everywhere out of sheer panic and terror.

Mom decided to call the 24 hour emergency vet. They said we could bring her in but that if she wasn’t foaming or at the mouth or acting like she was in pain, they weren’t sure they would be able to do much because she probably wasn’t hurt or poisoned. Also, she hates the box to go to the vet and the ride there. I worried it would just make life worse for her.

So we decided to wait it out. We finished our movie (The Hours, a super depressing slow deep movie neither of us were in the mood for) and by the end Penny came down from her perch on the fridge and purred on my lap.

I’d like to say that was that, but she’s still howling at Marvin and hissing and being generally freaked out. Earlier he did end up on the floor near the fridge and she didn’t seem too upset. Maybe that’s progress.

But something snapped in me and before my mom left, and I dissolved into a puddle of hysterical tears. My pets were suffering and I couldn’t fix it. My cat was upset and I couldn’t help her. I LOST it.

Now, I’m sure moving and taking care of my father and being alone in this house and letting go of the CPA exam and work being busy and EVERYTHING else had something to do with that little melt down. But it came from that feeling that someone/something I cared about was suffering and I couldn’t stop it for them.

It’s a feeling I’ve had with my grandmother as she suffered through her battle with Alzheimer’s. It’s a feeling I have now with my dad who is struggling in his own way as I take care of him. It’s probably the worst feeling in the world for me.

And here’s what I realized – having a baby is a lot of this feeling. A tiny baby can’t tell you what’s wrong or what it needs – for quite a while. You do your best. You try to stay calm when you feel like your world is shattering into pieces. You remember everyone else isn’t doing this any better than you are. You remember that you’re doing your best. But in the moment, I think maybe you also dissolve into hysterical tears and allow yourself to gasp and cry and shake. And if you’re lucky to have someone there with you for it, you grab a hold of them like a life raft.

And they tell you it’s going to be okay. Because 95% of the time, it probably is.