I’ve spent most of my life worrying about my weight. I went to an all-girls high school, which amplified the concern, of course, but it was there before that as well. As a short, chesty, curvy girl, I’ve longed for the long gazelle-like legs of my tall friends. I’ve watched slim girls run effortlessly, admired their jutting collar bones, and yearned to be called “willowy” or “statuesque.”

At almost 35, I’m finally appreciating where I am, who I am, and what I have to offer. Sure, there have been times before this that I felt strong, empowered, cute, whatever – roller derby forever changed my life when I realized that girls of all sizes could be good at sports. The mental shift of seeing a curvy girl with a big booty and thinking “oh man, she’s going to kick some real ass on this team” or being jealous that my own ass (previously kinda flat) wasn’t as prodigious – that was a big change. Crossfit has also taught me that you can be good at things no matter what your size. When I was able to bench press my high school body weight (125lb) not long ago, I felt  a certain pride about it. Being strong (and now with a great ass – thanks, 185lb back squat) makes me feel far better than any point in my life when I starved myself to be thin.

Today at the gym, we did 1/2 of Murph (we ran 800 meters, did 50 pull ups, 100 push ups, and 150 air squats, and finished with another 800 meter run). As I think more and more about what being pregnant means, I joke that I will no longer have to do burpees at the gym and that I will sit on the couch and do nothing in the air conditioning. But I know myself, and exercise keeps me feeling strong as well as keeps depression at bay – something I’ll have to pay special attention to with this new life experience.

So today, when I decided to WALK my last 800m instead of run, I realized that was okay. Normally, I’d beat myself up for being so tired, so heavy, out of shape, etc. But I happen to really ENJOY walking, actually, and when I got finished with the workout, I walked into the gym after 35 minutes of hard work and felt refreshed – instead of falling down on the floor with the rest of my classmates.

Pregnancy will change the way I approach a lot of things, but I hope it will only encourage me to continue to learn that my body is more useful than it is just a THING to be admired. I am strong and I am healthy and I am happy. And I hope to teach my kid that as well – ESPECIALLY if she’s a girl.