When I first worked in Internal Audit, we would do Risk Assessments and one of the first things you would ask about a process is WCGW – What Could Go Wrong?

I’m 34 years old. I’ve got a lot of friends that have been through the excitement and then the sudden heart break of a miscarriage. Actually, a shocking amount. So when these little home pregnancy tests started showing a second line this weekend, I raised an eyebrow and responded with “we’ll see about that.” I think, because of my unusual situation, if this first round doesn’t “take” it will be less about heartbreak and more about “next!” But I can’t know what I will feel like – all I know is that as of now the list of feelings that are going through my head are as follows, in no particular order:

Apprehension

Disbelief

General Confusion

Cautious Optimism

Everyone has been so excited for me – over 100 people have clicked happy buttons on my Facebook status this weekend. I’ve been given baby gifts. I am so very appreciative and overwhelmed with all the boundless joy that others feel for me and my progress in this journey – but right now I don’t feel much of that. I feel concern. I need someone with a medical degree to say to me “it’s going to be okay.”

In life in general, actually, I’ve been waiting to hear someone say to me “it’s going to be okay” for the past 34 years and me be able to believe them. And the truth of the matter is, no one knows if it’s going to be okay or not. But it probably will be, even if it isn’t going to the way we want it to go. The quote below “Everything will be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay, it’s not the end” has helped me through some tough times in the past.

So I’ll stick with this one for now. I know that being a parent means constantly having some level of worry – which is fine because I happen to be pretty good at that already.

I called TRM this morning and went to have blood drawn. They’ll call me back and then I’ll go back in on Wednesday of this week to make sure that the HCG levels are rising appropriately and then I don’t know – maybe they’ll release me into the wild where I’ll start seeing my regular OB and getting on this baby train.

But I do know that anytime they offer a test, I’ll take it. Anything I can get that will offer reassurance will be great. And go ahead, friends and family, be really happy for me. But don’t be shocked if I’m not there yet. I’ll get there, don’t worry.