This is the home stretch. I’m scheduled to have a C Section in 8 days. Everyone is so excited for me. I know this because they keep saying “I’m so excited for you! Are you excited?!” And I keep smiling but I’m not sure I’ve really answered anyone.

Am I excited? 

No? I don’t know? How can I be excited about something I’m still having trouble understanding? There’s a tiny person? Living in my body? And she’s going to be outside my body in a week? And then she’s going to be the single most important amazing thing in my world? Forever? How could anyone be expected to understand​that, much less be excited at the prospect?

I’m a planner, I’ve spent 35 years struggling with the idea that if I can just consider what things are GOING to be like, I can probably feel pretty comfortable with what might happen from there. And while this process has helped me to let go of the idea of being in control, I feel like I’m looking forward into the dark and my eyes can’t seem to adjust to the lack of light. I keep thinking if I just keep looking, maybe I’ll be able to see. So far, no luck. I am lucky to have so many friends who have been here before and who have perfect kids and are a daily reminder that this is going to be great – but to see it for myself? Not so sure about that one.

I keep talking to people who’ve been here and done this, searching for something to make me feel less weird about it. The truth of the matter is that it’s going to be weird. And amazing and all the other Big Feelings that I can’t comprehend right now. 

I went to see the doctor on Monday for the usual Non Stress Test which went well, per usual, which is great to be able to say. The final tally on weight gain is 15lbs, which I’d be really excited about aside from the part where this tiny person is a little on the extra tiny side with low fluid. Doctor checked her fluid and came up a little above where the High Risk doctor saw it last week, so that’s good – we just don’t want it to go down much.

I’ve got one more high risk appointment, one more regular appointment, a blood draw, and then it’s off to check in at the hospital at 5 am on April 12th and meet this tiny person a few hours later.

These size comparisons are probably a little off, but I still like them.